I Aint Falling in Love Again Meme

May 09, 2022 Post a Comment

Dearest songs are where nosotros get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Nothing expert can come of this. Photograph by Achim Voss/Flickr.

Throughout homo history, oceans take been crossed, mountains accept been scaled, and neat families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled it on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time you told that girl you just started seeing that yous would "grab a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she all of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and move dorsum to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"It's just, my mom. Yous know? And Fifty.A. is so hot in the summer. And yep, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time y'all held that boom box over your head outside your ex's business firm? You did that because of a beloved song. And fifty hours of community service afterward, you're still not back together.

Honey songs are great. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire us to accept risks and put our feelings on the line. And they requite us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, existent-life homo relationships should work.

They're astonishing. So amazing. And likewise terrible.

Here are six love songs that sound romantic but aren't, and one song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

i. "God Just Knows," past The Beach Boys

You tin keep your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Help me Rhondas."

When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Only Knows" is where it'southward at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the well-nigh heartrending lyrics ever committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why it sounds romantic:

I may non always dear you

But long equally in that location are stars above you lot

You never demand to dubiousness it

I'll brand you so sure about it

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you lot're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and not playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, y'all should really stop and first over.

If y'all're lazily bumping a embankment ball over a volleyball internet and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, yous need to rethink the choices that got y'all to this point.

If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you lot're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing information technology incorrect.

Hippies, likely on their way to a mud frolic. Photo past Colin Davey/Getty Images.

Information technology'due south a song that just feels like dear. Pure love. Immature honey. Love with a arctic, kelp-y vibe.

What could be incorrect with that?

Here'due south why information technology's actually really, really unromantic:

There's nothing wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo by hatchettebookgroup.biz.

But at that place is such a affair equally loving someone a skosh besides much.

If you should ever leave me

Though life would even so go along believe me

The world could show zip to me

So what skilful would living do me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. In that location's no getting effectually that. But good God.

At that place's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if yous go." And saying: "Welp, you accustomed that job in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call information technology a life."

Merely that's pretty much the gist here. Which makes this line...

God merely knows what I'd exist without you

...horror-movie creepy. Because the reply, patently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"

Ah well. Nosotros had a good run. Photo via iStock.

That'due south not honey. That'southward codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. Information technology'southward a form of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in any human relationship — ane that, by definition, might i solar day end — is putting a lot of eggs in ane basket. Sure, God may only know what you'd be without her, but God probably besides hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Yep! Hell yeah! What was her name once more?" Photograph past Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone'south exist-all and terminate-all. It's likewise stressful. And information technology prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that's gotta be done before you can do annihilation else.

No wonder she took that chore in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars

Sure, it'due south a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson vocal you've e'er heard. But, nosotros don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and every bit tribute acts become, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That face! Photo by Brothers Le/Flickr.

Hither's why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what yous are

Honey, you lot're my aureate star

Yous know you can make my wish come truthful

If yous allow me treasure you lot

If you permit me treasure you

Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an 8th-grade make-out party and y'all'll probable get an instant price pass on the highway to tongue-boondocks (ew).

Laissez passer them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of celibate-withal-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you over for running a finish sign, and they volition call up you're weird — simply probably still make out with yous.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America considering of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you lot're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'm OK with that.

Only, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic every bit it seems:

Everything nigh "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes about gender.

"Children, take I e'er told y'all what I shouted at your female parent on the street the commencement time we met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things get-go to go south correct from the very beginning:

Give me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell y'all a little something about yourself

Ah yes. Nothing screams "respect" quite like a man lecturing a foreign woman on the street virtually something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it exist? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology exist that she'due south got something in her teeth? Could information technology be that her nonfiction book about early on modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Cheers for instruction me all almost Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: It'due south none of those.

You lot're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

Simply you walk around here similar yous wanna be someone else

Oh. Information technology's that she's sexy. Absurd, bro. Very original.

Word of advice? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, it really doesn't touch her mean solar day-to-day so much that you, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).

And so what if she does want to be someone else? I'd love to be someone else! I think existence Ryan Gosling would be quite overnice. A good way to spend a three-solar day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment menses... Photograph by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so subsequently, of class, the narrator can't aid himself:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty daughter, y'all should be smiling

A girl like you should never look so blue.

He respects her then much, he's really directly-upwardly telling her to smile! Much similar Mars' grapheme "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "striking [their] hallelujah." Which, you know, I guess everybody'southward got a thing.

Yes, in the world of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman beingness so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the globe's creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You lot are my treasure, yeah, you, y'all, you, you are

You lot are my treasure, yous are my treasure

Y'all are my treasure, yes, you, you, y'all, you are

By this point, in his mind, she'south a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing fixtures.

I suppose information technology could be worse, though. At least she's not only any thing.

GIF from "The Ii Towers."

That's ... something, right?

iii. "Don't Think Twice, It'south All Right," by Bob Dylan

For every bit long as humans take been dating each other, humans take been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going downwardly in flames. Glorious, poetic, acoustic flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photograph by William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Here'southward why information technology sounds romantic:

Well, information technology own't no apply to sit and wonder why, baby

Even you don't know by now

And it ain't no utilise to sit and wonder why, babe

Information technology'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the break of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'yard a-traveling on

But don't think twice, it'due south all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits situation like whoa.

"Don't Call back Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. Information technology'south the song your older sis played on continuous loop for six months after her boyfriend left for higher. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to exit her bank-teller task, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime shop in Mendocino. The song your friend'due south cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are yous looking for?" Photo past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Sure, it's about the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the end of the solar day, shouldn't that be plenty?

Here's why it'southward actually sooooo messed up:

Relationships terminate. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right style to call it quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly do good from a difficult, honest discussion about what went wrong.

It's not me, Joan. It's you lot. 100% you lot. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Remember Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It'south your fault."

Let's review the reasons the dude in "Don't Call back Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You're all similar, "Babe, I just have so much unspecified honey to give," and she's like, "Have out the trash!" And you're similar, "But baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart be plenty?" And she'due south similar, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the domestic dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I need yous to do is have out the trash." And yous're similar, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And so she gets all mad! What did you do? Why is she trying to alter you? UGH!

You could take done improve, only I don't listen

Yes. You do mind! You lot mind! You wrote a vocal nearly information technology, yous passive-aggressive prick.

You merely kinda wasted my precious fourth dimension

Ah aye. Your time is so precious! Retrieve most all the hours y'all wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of human being partnership when yous could have been futzing around with that dwelling-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The infinitesimal you kickoff breaking it down, the bulletin of "Don't Think Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister'southward ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and at present might be in jail. Like your aunt's air current chime store, which would have closed forever agone had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend'south cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"You kids want a beer? No one's nether 13, right?" Photo via iStock.

Oh aye, and the song's narrator also betoken-blank refers adult female he'south leaving as:

A kid, I'm told

That's correct. In add-on to being a run-of-the-manufactory passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'due south besides possibly a pedophile.

Even if we are to accept that this is a metaphor and she'south not actually a child — which in that location'due south no indication it is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the point.

iv. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bloodshot folk vocal about hurtling through the stratosphere in a giant aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photograph by Hughes Boob tube Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Here'south why it sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were still kind of new at the fourth dimension information technology was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet airplane

To a mod ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'1000 a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a mode that's somehow notwithstanding folksy and heartbreaking and singable past 9-year-olds at summer camp. Not easy to do!

Oh baby, I detest to go

You see — he hates to go! He merely hates it! We know this, considering he tells u.s.a. he hates it. And why would he detest to get if he didn't dear his partner just that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here's why it's actually not that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin only distract so much from the fact that the song's principal character is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem like he hates being away all that much:

There'south and then many times I've let you down

So many times I've played around

I tell you lot now, they don't mean a thing

"Baby, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while you were dwelling house nursing the quadruplets. All the times I tuckered our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. Only rest bodacious — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty equally this bed I merely finished having sex activity with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Yes, when you intermission it downwardly, "Leaving on a Jet Plane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all bear witness to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up near having to function from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited about the flight. Oh, yous're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are you Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to choke downwardly as you lot sabbatum waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Eatables.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I go, I'll think of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll think nigh her while strumming and making "my dear is frail every bit the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad pupil in the front row. That pretty much makes upwards for it all.

Then he demands:

So osculation me and smile for me

Tell me that you lot'll await for me

After all the betrayal and heartbreak, subsequently basically revealing himself to exist a form-A sleaze who tin't be trusted, he however has the gall to tell her to look? To look for him?

And here'south the kicker:

When I come up dorsum, I'll bring your hymeneals ring

Ah yeah. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Different all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family depository financial institution account, and just been a general screwup and thwarting.

But yeah. This time he says he'll bring dorsum a hymeneals ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks back.

5. "When a Man Loves a Adult female," Percy Sledge

When you wait up "soul" in the lexicon, the book plays y'all a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Cistron Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, information technology plays yous the very first line.

Here's why it audio very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Sure, y'all can write the lyrics down, but it doesn't even come up close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A Adult female

Closer ... but nevertheless no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'south an elemental lyric.

It'south a eye-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you put your back into information technology.

Information technology'south perfection.

As long every bit yous don't keep listening.

Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Human Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a homo loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd surrender all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the style

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back upwards. A man, no affair how devoted, no matter how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a human being volition die of exposure and hypothermia.

Plow his back on his best friend if he put her downward.

No! Jeez. No. A human being can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A man needs friends! Once a man's whole support system erodes out from under him, a human will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a human being'southward mental wellness volition deteriorate.

I gave you everything I have

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love

Babe, delight don't treat me bad.

This is not what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a homo loves a controlling, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A adult female who, in truth, only loves a adult female. Herself.

"Information technology's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for you.

(Side note: Lest it become unsaid, there is way more than one style for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the olfactory organ. Maybe they slumber in dissever bedrooms. Peradventure they dress up in big, plush true cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a man, I imagine it feels much the aforementioned. Or when a woman loves a adult female. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living situation, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'southward no ane-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Diverseness is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. There's more one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Information technology doesn't matter if information technology'southward the right metaphor, as long every bit information technology's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point existence: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek assist! You tin can do this! And if y'all e'er find yourself in a similar situation, please requite these people a call.

6. "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," Heart

Honestly, Heart could sing a listing of the virtually popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie'south Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World's Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would make me want to bawl my optics out in the arms of a alpine, dark stranger at the cease of a pier.

This song is perfect. You should ever be listening to information technology. If you're not listening to it at present, smack yourself in the face and Google it. It's only that important.

I am singing the telephone volume. You are weeping like a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.

Here'southward why information technology sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring tune, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a cardinal tribute to the one truthful romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking upward an unnervingly attractive man for one night of heed-blowing sexual activity and and so releasing him dorsum into the wild to os — but never quite as compellingly ever once more.

They sing:

Information technology was a rainy night when he came into sight

Continuing by the route, no umbrella, no glaze

So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while

I don't have to continue considering yous know what happens side by side, and information technology'southward crawly.

"I simply sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo past Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here'south why this song is non romantic at all:

The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be truthful. And it is. Because it'southward not an every bit loving ,or fifty-fifty equally lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

Well. You know what it is:

Proficient at recognizing no-win situations and succulent with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are humming along just fine, like whatever wholesome, illicit, bearding affair should:

I didn't ask him his name, this alone boy in the rain

Fate, tell me information technology's correct, is this love at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to selection upwardly a strange leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, just our narrator just has a feeling near this guy, and sometimes, y'all gotta get with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that night

He did everything right

Neat! Seems similar it was a skilful decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big fourth dimension.

Only so, without warning, the song starts to audio less like an all-time great romance and more like a story men'southward rights activists tell each other as they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the blossom, you lot are the seed

We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree

Don't effort to notice me, please don't y'all dare

Just alive in my memory, you lot'll always be there"

I'one thousand not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. But unless "blossom," "seed," "garden," and "tree," all of a sudden mean wildly dissimilar things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sex was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking almost a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Howdy! Photo past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. Yous might be tempted to call up, "Maybe Middle meant something else by that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then it happened one day

Nosotros came round the aforementioned style

Yous tin imagine his surprise

When he saw his own optics

There are two possibilities here.

One: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York Urban center subway ad from 9 years ago:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or 2: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Please, please empathize

Ah, sure. Yeah. No worries.

I'm in love with another homo

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has at present wrecked not 1 but two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one little thing that you can"

A Human LIFE! A Existent SENTIENT Man LIFE THAT IS Non INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The all-time you tin say about that is that information technology's not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should accept been responsible for his ain nativity command. Or, at the very least, asked more questions .

But ... information technology's not cute. It's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the end of the day, the shadiest grapheme in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the nighttime.

Which... is saying something.

But there is a love song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.

A vocal that does everything correct.

A song that paints a portrait of a healthy partnership built to last.

A song that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.

And that vocal is...

"Candy Shop," by l Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither's why you might be — OK, about definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You lot know, that guy? That guy! Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Candy Shop" is, as fun information technology is to dance to, and as cathartic every bit it tin can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.m., there's no getting around the fact that the vocal begins similar this:

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

I'll post that once more, in instance y'all missed some of the nuance:

I'll accept y'all to the candy store

I'll allow y'all lick the lollipop

Fashion to take ane for the team, narrator of "Processed Shop"!

At get-go glance, "Candy Shop" is nobody'southward thought of a classic love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forrard. The vanquish is kinda bones. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

It doesn't get played much anymore. When information technology does resurface, information technology feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

Information technology'south not a song you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. Information technology's not a vocal you lot'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upwards the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'southward certainly not a song you lot'd include on the video photo montage you lot made for your grandparents' argent anniversary.

Information technology's merely not.

But information technology should be.

And so here information technology is. Here's why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:

You wanna back that thing up or should I push up on it? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. Information technology's only been 20 seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it up with "Processed Shop."

But so ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the class of a female phonation joining the track, cutting through the din similar a blaring call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy store (yeah)

Boy, 1 sense of taste of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all y'all got (come on)

Continue going 'til you hit the spot, whoa

It's mutual! It's common! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Get, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz west/Flickr.

l Cent himself may not exist the world's greatest partner — for instance, according to ane of his exes, he'southward done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets it:

You could have it your style, how do you desire it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he'south with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'chiliad going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'm going to care for yous similar a chest full of gold doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Exercise is Make Honey to You lot," ("I'k going to trick you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is expert for about 50,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatever you're into

'Cause consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Processed Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

Merely here'southward the central thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She'southward clearly into it. And we know this because she says and then.

The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky order floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is outside trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Daughter what we exercise ...

And where we practice ...

The things we exercise ...

Are just between me and you

No thing how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. Information technology will be private. At that place volition be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you exist a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is fundamental to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very possibly in the case of "Candy Store") minutes long.

She may have a loftier sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids merely might become the altitude later on all.

And at the end of the twenty-four hours, what is a relationship but two nymphos, sharing health insurance?

Cheers, Obamacare! Photograph by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like information technology's a race who could go undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a smashing time. And, critically, an as keen time.

I impact the right spot at the right time

Of class, it wouldn't be a popular/hip-hop striking without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to have him at his word, "Processed Store" guy is at least as expert at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Dearest to Y'all" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a good partner.

"Processed Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. It's non your grandmother'due south beloved song.

But when you strip away the swagger, the back beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all most?

Yeah.

Uh-huh.